If you’ve ever used a dating app or simply had a conversation with someone online when you were looking to connect, then you know the drill: If you “click,” and you have similar interests, you decide to take it to the next level: meeting in person.
Finally that day comes. You’ve picked out your best outfit, thought about interesting things you can talk about, and reapplied the deodorant you sweated off.
The first few minutes are a little awkward, but then, you get more comfortable — comfortable enough to decide whether you want to see them again. And if you do, you hope they feel the same.
This is often how it feels when surrogates and intended parents begin the matching process. If you’re working with an agency, the parties typically exchange profiles and pictures before meeting. When matching independently, you may have met in an online group or through friends or family.
In either case, at the start of your first video call or in-person meeting, you’ll experience those blind-date feelings, and it’s totally normal. Surrogacy is serious commitment; why wouldn’t you be at least a little nervous meeting someone who’ll be joining you on this incredible journey?
What Should I Ask During My First Match Meeting?
Sometimes an agency may have a facilitator on hand to ask questions, but you should plan to ask your own questions — the right questions — to see if this you’re on the same page about some very important matters that can affect a surrogacy journey, such as:
- Pregnancy termination and/or reduction. This is one of the most important topics that surrogates and intended parents must discuss in detail. Rarely is it a clear-cut choice between “willing to terminate” and “no termination.” Viewpoints can vary widely, and this is a time to address the what-its. For example, if you’re leaning towards no term, what if the surrogate’s life is in danger? Or if you’re willing to terminate, would you be willing to do so for a cosmetic reason like a missing digit? Or for gender preference? Discuss your feelings on these scenarios in detail.
- Communication expectations. How often will the intended parents expect updates? What form of communication works best for everyone, and how often? How do intended parents want to participate in medical appointments and ultrasounds? Everyone might have a different expectation, and you want to know about it before the journey begins.
- Motivations, history, and lifestyle. Sure, you want to make sure that you agree on important topics, but you also should have a personal connection that will help you develop and grow your relationship throughout your journey together. Surrogates may ask intended parents what led them to surrogacy, and whether they’ve had any setbacks or struggles. Intended parents may want to know what their potential surrogate’s previous pregnancies were like, who would be supporting them on this journey, and what their day-to-day life is like. In short, you should ask as many questions as needed in order to determine whether you can see yourself on this journey.
I can’t emphasize this enough: Don’t force the match out of a sense of urgency or obligation if it’s not a good fit. And if you’re not sure, that’s okay, too.
Every journey is going to be different and there is no cookie-cutter relationship between intended parents and surrogates. Your relationship will evolve along the journey. It may look totally different on delivery day than it did on transfer day, but you will have set yourself up for success by talking about important topics in the beginning.
